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HelpDesk

Tags: mobile
We are testing our mobile application this week and it should be fully functional by week's end.
Through your mobile phone you can log onto your SwingSearch account at mobile.swingsearch.net
Check and send email, browse profiles, and contact other sexy members right from your mobile phone.
The best part? Its free and available to all members.

We will post once our testing is done and the application is ready to go.

Have fun.

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: women lust
WHY DO WOMEN LUST?--The SexyPrime Science Question of the Day

There's an interesting story by John Cloud in Time magazine: "The Science of Cougar Sex: Why Older Women Lust" reporting on a study by University of Texas psychologist David Buss that appeared in the July issue of Personality and Individual Difference.
"Buss and his colleagues found that women in their 30s and 40s are significantly more sexual than younger women."
They have more intense sexual fantasies, more orgasms, more sex--and even more one-night stands. That women have a greater capacity for sexual pleasure is not news. That we grow more sexual as we move out of our twenties isn't news. Here is the news peg: Older men presumably continue to lust because they are evolutionarily programmed to keep spreading their genes until they drop dead--but why would women continue to lust, beyond an interest in procreation, beyond minilaproscopy tubal ligation, beyond menopause, outside marriage--and from the male viewpoint perhaps, beyond all reason?
The study posits an evolutionary reason that has more holes in it than your kitchen sieve, but I am just happy to be reading about women who love sex for a change from the low desire studies. So I am doing more research. I want to know--and this is the first in a series of SexyPrime Science Questions of the Day, more easily and quickly answered than a survey--
WHO DO WOMEN LUST?

[Next Tuesday: Let's talk about what we lust after.....]

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: older/younger cougar/cub
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MY CUB?--First Response to SexyPrime's Cougar/Cub Survey

I am still reading and tabulating the responses to The SexyPrime Older Woman/Younger Man Survey. If you haven't responded yet, you aren't too late, but get it in by next Tuesday.
Letters from men petitioning to be my "new cub" are an interesting and unexpected sub-category. This is very flattering. I'm glad I write about sex and posted a cleavage shot on Facebook. How else would they all find me?
One man wrote, "I hope you aren't serious when you say you may be over boys. You have so much to teach us."
Hmmmm.....but isn't that why i write books and blog?
From another: "Older women are interesting to me because they are more complex, more independent and aren't shy about telling a man how they like sex. The guessing games with girls are too damn much trouble."
I wrote back to some of them and asked:
Why do you want me? What do you want to do to me, for me, with me?
Here is my favorite (so far) response. (And nice photo, Baby.)
"I want you because I am attracted to you and your sexuality. Your softness. Your pictures. Your knowledge.
"I want to explore your body slowly, meticulously. I want to discover all your spots. Then I want to take my tongue and use it like a paintbrush and craft a masterpiece on your body. Then I want to take my penis and do a deep exploration of your body wherever it will fit.
"I want to make you smile."
Whew.
The weekend sex tip comes from a younger man who says he learned it from his older woman lover. Don't miss it.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: cougar milf older/younger
LEGS UP!--A Reader Shares His Cougar's Best Position

From a twenty-something reader involved with a forty-something cougar: "Have to admit--cougars give kick-ass blow jobs. And it's cute how they automatically flip up their legs for the missionary position."
Well, Baby, not sure how I feel about that one. I asked him what he meant by "flip up"--legs straight up, over shoulders, around waist?
"Straight up," he said--"and I love the way she grabs my ass and pulls me into her rhythm.
I prefer the open missionary: wrap one leg around his waist or rest on or over his shoulder and put the other leg out to the side, knee bent. Great leverage. Room to play with your clit in a showy way so that he gets something out of it too. You can always grab his ass.
Now, dear reader, about your assumptions on "cougars" based on one experience: Some women don't automatically flip up their legs, especially for a man who thinks it's "cute."
I'm giving you a pass on this one because you have sent two of my favorite reader sex tips: The Come From Behind Hand Job and The Bend-Over BJ. Your tone was different there. Hmmmm....I am wondering if you find your cougar "too easy" or "too enthusiastic" and disdain just a tad because she is.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

HelpDesk

Tags: facebook
SwingSearch has added its own page to the social networking site Facebook. Visit us there, join our page and keep up to date on the world of swinging.

HelpDesk

Tags: match mail
Over the past couple of days, we have been experiencing some technical problems with our match software. It ended up that some members recieved numerous emails from us, and even other member addresses.
We aplogize for this and it has been corrected.

Our members will now receive matches a couple of times per month delivered to their inbox.

We again aplogize for this and any inconvenience it may have caused.

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: sex special advice from sailors--a fleet week
SEX ADVICE FROM SAILORS--A Fleet Week Special

Last year three junior officers took me out for lunch and asked for sex advice. Masturbation was the subject on their minds--and specifically how it would (or not) ruin their sex lives with their partners. A few days ago four junior officers took me out to lunch and shared their best sex advice. Here it is:

Women like to be seduced. (Yes!)

"I've watched drunken sailors make sloppy advances and, unless the woman is equally drunk, they get smacked down. My advice to men who go out to bars hoping to hook up--drink less and seduce the woman while you're still sober. Pay her genuine compliments. Ask questions about her. Be interested in who she is and what she has to say. Make slow and easy physical advances. Touch her hand, her arm. When things heat up a little, move closer to her and run your finger down her cheek. If a piece of hair falls down on her face, gently lift it up. Take your time with her and she will be the one kissing you at the bar."

Become a Tantric sailor.

One of the guys wrote to me several months ago after buying a copy of The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy on shore leave in London. He wrote: "I practice my Kegels now and do the breathing exercises while masturbating. I've learned how to prolong masturbation and have stronger orgasms. When I get in bed with a woman again, I know this will make the sex better." Yes, he now says, it did. (Check out a recent Ask Auntie Sue column for tips on using these tehniques to have multiple orgasms.)

Instead of reading/watching porn obsessively, learn about women's bodies and how they really work.

Another of the group also wrote to me about one of my books, The Sex Bible for Women.

"My sister sent me a copy and wrote--'Maybe you will change your luck with women if you learn what they want.' I laughed, threw it in my locker, forgot about it until another guy pulled it out. The photos are great. The book got passed around and came back to me with comments written in the margins. I can't tell you how many times guys wrote, 'Did you know that?' I read. I know now. One thing I learned, don't go straight for the pussy. While a guy loves it if a woman puts her hand or mouth on his erection right away--women want to be opened up more slowly, starting from the lips down."

Good advice, sailors. I love corresponding with all of you. We can't thank you enough for being out there, protecting us. We are free in America to live our lives--writing about sex, having sex, speaking freely and more--thanks to our men and women in uniform.

I am stealing this from Dan Taylor's sign-off yesterday on wcbsfm 101.1's The Morning Show:

"Please take a moment this holiday weekend amidst the barbecues and mattress sales to remember those who died in service. On Memorial Day, this is the Land of the Free because of The Brave."

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

HelpDesk

Tags: search new
As some of you have already noticed, we have changed how you can filter results. Instead of the drop down menu where your choices were All, Men, Women and Couples, you can now check who you want to search for. So the person that wants to search for Women and Couples is now able to exclude Men.
This is another change that was asked for by our membership and wanted to respond as quickly as possible.

Have fun.

HelpDesk

Tags: your what's mood?
We have added onto your home page the ability to set your mood. Just choose from the drop down menu and it will appear on your search results and tell others what your current mood is, from horny to secretive to playful.

This is another fun feature from SwingSearch.net

SusanCrainBakos

Tags:
IT'S KIMMIE WEDNESDAY!: Bad Girl, Part Two

Kimmie sent me the lnk to an article on alternet.com by Josey Vogels: "Women Have Lots of Casual Sex--Get Over It." The overwhelming majority of sex surveys, studies and research projects focus on women who are sexually dissatisfied. This one surveyed 1500 lusty women in their twenties who LOVE sex. Some of them undoubtedly are "bad girls."
Once again, with great pleasure, here's Kimmie:
Bad Girl, Part 2
He was so beautiful.
I dropped my bag and settled back down. No need to hurry, I smiled to myself. I’d been a soccer fan since high school, when it seemed like all the cutest boys were on the team. I loved their legs the best – thick thighs with those two gorgeous muscles right over the knee. Delicious. And they were always hot and sweaty from running around outside.
It appeared that the men were now organized into two teams and a game was about to start. On one side of the field, shirts came off. Oh my, I thought to myself. It was a tasty added bonus to my voyeurism on this lovely afternoon. My guy was on the skins team. He peeled off his jersey, revealing a nice strong waist with just a hint of ab muscles, and as his arms went up, I could see a thin trail of hair from his navel down.
He jogged to the sidelines where he’d left his bag and ripped off his pull-away warm-up pants. Now it was my turn to sweat. His legs were amazing. I swear I could see each individual muscle in those legs in perfect definition. Soccer shorts have always been the best way to show off a man, I thought. Something about the thin, shiny material, stopping halfway down to emphasized the good, meaty parts of a leg. His skin was gorgeous, darker than my own, and the shadows really set off how fit he was.
He ran back to the opposite side of the field to join his teammates as they discussed their strategy. I could hear the rise and fall of their voices, although not the words. Deep masculine tones flowed smoothly through the air, sprinkled with light laughter. His smile showed beautiful straight white teeth even from across the field. His smile made me smile, too. He looked so casual and comfortable and easy in his body, it was simple for me to think he was probably comfortable and easy in his life as well. I liked that thought.
They appeared to finish whatever plans needed to be made and after a team yell, the group broke apart. They all jogged to their places on the field. I watched his legs as the muscles went slack with each forward step, then hardened as they re-engaged, moving him across the field like melting caramel dripping down a luscious dessert. A quick image of his naked body lying prone in a bed with me between his knees holding his legs apart and licking up those thighs popped into my head, but I banished it sternly. No need to get all worked up right now, although the teasing little glimpses of his upper thighs that I kept getting as he ran weren’t helping me to not think. Neither were the nice round biceps or the gentle curve of his triceps in his strong arms as he pumped them to run. Not to mention the deep dip of muscles in his back, that wonderful divot leading right down to the hint of ass cleavage at the waistband of his shorts. Another quick picture invaded my mind, showing him on his stomach in that bed, this time with my fingers slowly pulling his elastic waistband down over the beautiful hump of his ass, as I ran my tongue gently into that sensitive spot right under the two little dimples at the base of his spine…

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: ask auntie sue
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Dick Tricks, Eye Gazing parties--and "Does He Think I'm A Slut?"

Great e-mails this past week! I loved hearing from a surge of new readers in India, the Middle East and Europe. Many of my readers—of the books and blog—are outside the States; and they help me feel intimately linked to the global community. Today’s questions come from women in Illinois, Mumbai and the U.K. Next week, men’s questions from the same cities.

Q. “My new man is on medication for high blood pressure—and he’s only 37. He doesn’t get as hard an erection as past lovers; and sometimes he has trouble achieving an erection. Is this related to the meds? And what can I do to help?” Andrea, 39, Chicago, Illinois.
A. Many American men have erection issues as early as their thirties because of sedentary lifestyles, overweight, heavy drinking, prescription and recreational drug use—and related health issues. First, a confession: While I have employed several “dick tricks” to re-vitalize a flagging erection on an occasional basis—I have never been with a man who has a recurring problem. Only the confident man comes on to a sexologist; and nothing robs him of confidence like erectile dysfunction. (Really, gentlemen, I am mature enough to handle the situation in a loving way—and you have developed excellent oral skills in compensation—Yes?) Research the effects of high blood pressure and the medications to control it on male sexuality and keep the information to yourself. He already knows. The meds likely cause his erectile issues—but don’t turn the situation into The Problem. Don’t suggest Viagra or Cialis. Unless you are married to the guy, thus having some rights to the use of his genitals, you don’t have a voice in this choice.
When a man loses his erection during lovemaking, he may want you to perform fellatio—or he may prefer to ignore his limp penis and focus on giving you pleasure which likely will excite him too. Follow his lead. If he wants fellatio, The Perfect Stand-Up Kiss in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women can raise the dead.
Another tip: Start without him. Use a semi-erection to pleasure yourself. Grasp the base firmly as you stroke the head of his penis across your clitoris. When he grows a little firmer, insert his penis but keep holding the base—and control the thrusting manually. More dick tricks in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women.

Q. “I have been reading about eye gazing parties in some U.S. cities. Is that based on the Tantra eye-lock? Do you think that strangers are capable of sustained intimate eye contact? And do you have advice for using eye contact in sex?” Mena, 34, Mumbai, India.
A. Inspired by speed dating rather than Tantra, eye-gazing parties are gaining in popularity in cities like New York and D.C. Rather than sharing brief conversations before moving on to the next “date,” strangers make sustained eye contact with several partners. Yes, it can be very intimate. Without relying on words, the couple look into one another’s eyes to read emotions.
But you are right in assuming that Tantra is the inspiration for Western lovers’ interest in using their eyes. I created my own version of Tantra—Fusion Tantra—which combines Eastern lovemaking techniques with the Western goal-oriented philosophy of having it better and faster. See my version of The Eye Lock in The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy.
Other tips: Keep your eyes open more often during lovemaking. Eyes open at orgasm is a very powerful intimacy tool. But give yourself a break. Sometimes we need or want to go into ourselves sexually and so we close our eyes. That’s fine too.

Q. “I am newly divorced and not quite comfortable being available again. Every man I meet when I go out with girlfriends or alone seems to think I fancy a quick shag. What am I doing wrong? Is it my clothes? A man I really like has asked me out; and I don’t want him to think I am a slut. Advice?” Penelope, 42, London.
A. It could be your clothes. Some men assume that displays of cleavage and/or legs are advertisements for the product they can get free. Frankly, I am happy to eliminate those guys early on so I would never dress to disarm them. (Do you know how many glasses of Champaign I owe to great legs?) But you do need to possess a sense of bravado to dress provocatively—and even then, there are limits.
According to a recent study at The University of Leeds, men are most comfortable when a woman exposes 40% of skin. Less—and they write her off as a prude. More—and they deem her too available and likely prone to infidelity. Each arm and leg counts as 10%--and the torso is 50%. Going by this rule, a sleeveless dress that hits mid-thigh needs to be high-necked. (I am merely passing this information along, not endorsing it.)
Another reason men may think you “fancy a quick shag”—and I love that term!—is that perhaps you are drinking too much to compensate for feeling anxious. Men do believe that a tipsy woman is an easy lay. Bottom line: Don’t expose as much skin as a 20 year-old and drink cautiously when you go out with the new guy. If he thinks you are a slut, however, that’s his problem, not yours. Who wants one of those judgmental men in her bed?

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

HelpDesk

Tags: email
As some of you might have noticed, we have expanded our email program to include the thumbnail photo of the sender. We think this greatly enhances SwingSearch and was done in response to a member's suggestion.

Have fun.

HelpDesk

Tags: site look
We have been working on SwingSearch's look and feel and hope that you all like the changes. We have highlighted the Speed Dating area on the home page as well as changed the way search results are displayed.
We hope that these changes make your experience on SwingSearch better.

HelpDesk

Tags: members male single
Single Males: You are an important part of the lifestyle and many couples and single women enjoy the company of single males. But we want you to be active on the site. You must upload a photo to continue a free membership on our site. If after 7 days you do not upload a photo or upgrade to Premium, your profile will be suspended. This allows our search results to only allow active single males and gives our members a better experience.

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: quickie vibrator
The Small Vibes Quickie

If she doesn’t own a sweetheart vibrator or a pair of vibrating panties, surprise her with the gift of your choice. Ask her to wear the vibe as foreplay—perhaps as you share a glass of wine or during dinner or while cleaning up the kitchen together. When it’s quickie time, take her in your arms, kiss and fondle her—
And vibrate her labia lips with a finger vibe as you do.
Enter her from behind in a standing position and continue the finger vibe stimulation as you thrust.
The double vibe action will bring her to orgasm quickly.
A Standing Position variation:

Here’s how to make standing sex feel as good as it looks:

• With his legs comfortably apart, he stands behind her and holds onto her waist.
• She leans forward so that her upper body is perpendicular to his and, with arms outstretched to the sides, holds onto a door frame or braces against a wall—
•OR leans into a dresser or another piece of furniture.
• He squats slightly so she can lower herself onto him. If he is considerably taller than she is, she can stand on her toes, wear heels or stand on a stool.

The position allows her to influence the thrusting by pushing back against him—and the angle is good for G spot stimulation.
A variation for the fit and supple: She bends all the way forward, touching her toes with her hands.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: for sex paying
WILL AMERICAN WOMEN PAY FOR SEX--THE WAY FRENCH WOMEN DO?

Would you pay for sex?
I asked that question in the Taboo Sex Survey—and very few women said that they would. (Men would, will, and have.)
Several recent studies have reported the not surprising news that French women over forty have more sex than their British or American counterparts. For example, a survey by France's Regional Health Observatory found that just 15 per cent of French women in their fifties and 27 per cent in their sixties said they hadn't had sex in the past year. By contrast, a British survey showed 34 per cent of Britons in their fifties and 54 per cent in their sixties hadn't had sex in the past year. (The figures are similar in American studies.)
Partly, that can be explained by cultural attitudes. French women are still considered desirable into older age (just as American men are.) The French don’t see love and sex in such limited all-or-nothing—monogamy/celibacy—terms. They don’t seem to fall prey to the Prude ‘Tude, the anti-sexual and judgmental attitude adopted by so many aging American and British women once they have all but given up on sex.
But there is another factor boosting the older Frenchwoman’s sexual frequency statistics: She will pay for sex.
Reflecting on cultural value variations, Pamela Druckerman, author of one of my favorite books, Lust In Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee, (Penguin Group) concludes: People everywhere lie about sex, buying sex doesn’t constitute as cheating in many countries—and no Western society takes adultery more seriously than Americans.

She believes that Anglo women voluntarily quit sex; French women don’t. “They are willing to embrace experiences that will not lead to marriage and are not even long-lasting.”
Another interesting book on French women: What French Women Know: About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind (Putnam, USA) by Debra Olliver.

And two French films that will give you some insight into the gigolo experience: “Heading South” featuring the incomparable Charlotte Rampling and “Cliente” in which the heroine buys nights with boys off the internet.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: sex dating
WHO'S DATING NOW?--Some Never Stopped, Some Never Start

"No one dates. You text where you are or where you're going and people meet you there. I have a gaggle of men--three or four or five or six at all times. I am not having sex with all of them, but they are men to be with," a 26 year-old "white girl working in PR."

"I date. Sometimes I just hook up. My wife doesn't know, of course," a 43 year-old married white guy.

"I don't plan formal dates, but i will call a woman when I see I can get away early and invite her for drinks or dinner. I am generous, for example, I like having sex in nice hotels," a 39 year-old black male corporate executive.

"Yes, I date and I fear I will keep dating and will date longer than humans were ever meant to date," a "very popular forty-something divorced white woman."

"Sister, let me tell you a black man's idea of a date: You waiting for him at your place with a home-cooked meal and him showing up in time to watch the game on TV while he eats it, then doing you after," a "black working woman, baby mama by choice, never married" in her thirties.

I am tabulating the results of SexyPrime's Dating/Mating/Hooking-Up Survey and will publish the results later this week. A few teasers:

•20% of respondents under thirty have never dated--though many are living together or married.
•Old white guys have adapted to hook-up culture. I expect some indignant responses to the 55-year-old (and exceptionally well-endowed) man who only has sex with young Asian women. They come to his apartment. He photographs them nude and sometimes in sexual poses. (Yes, he "shared" the photos with me, including shots of a 19 year-old Korean American girl sucking his endowment.)
•75% of admitted cougars not only date but do NOT pay for the dates. (Listen up, young women: Guys your age do date.)

The responses raise some new questions, like:

Whatever happened to romance?
Is seduction truly the lost art?

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: boytoy revenge
REVENGE OF THE BOY TOY--Or, No, I Won't Ghost That Book

“I have a project for you,” the agent said. Her last two projects were another tell-all-of-never-before-told-gossip by someone distantly connected to a Kennedy and a wronged political wife memoir. I don’t think so to both. “A young Wall Street trader had three relationships with cougars in two years. He wanted real relationships, with the possibility of a future. They just wanted to use his body.”

No! Really?
“You know I’ll probably side with the cougars,” I said and she laughed.
“Derek was with a trader, a cosmetic surgeon and a writer—high profile women who used him sexually…..”
Derek. I had a little cougar fling with a Wall Street boy named Derek. Or was it Eric? I kept forgetting his name and had to ask my guy pals what it was. But I think it was Derek. Yes, now I am sure it was Derek.
“Do you have any details on the wanton writer?” I asked
“Well, he only has notes, he needs a proposal, the writer has to come on board immediately….” Click, click, tap, tap. She found his notes. “Okay, sex writer taught him about sex toys, gave the best head he’d ever experienced, looked sexy in his white shirts, wouldn’t let him into her life, had more commitment issues than the entire cast of characters on ‘Seinfeld’…..” She broke off and cleared her throat. “Omigod,” she said.
“Sex writer,” I said. Long pause. “I have a title for him: Revenge of the Boy Toy—or My Sex Life With Oedipal Complex.”
Yes, in my other writing life, I am a ghostwriter because it gets me out of my world and into somebody else’s. I’ve ghosted for lawyers, psychologists, doctors, CEOs, scientists, celebs, including a sports star—people who don’t have the time to write their own books. I bond with them, get their story, internalize their voice so I can write as the author, not as myself. It’s very rewarding—in ways beyond money.
I am wrapping my own latest book, The Daily Sex Bible, either my 19th or 20th book with a pub date fall 2010 or winter 2011. Before that, Best Sex Ever comes out in June and then The Little Book of Big Os in ? I may keep haphazard track of the publishing details, but I love my own books and take great pride in them, especially the set of beautifully photographed books I’ve done for Quiver Books beginning with The Sex Bible in 2006. Sugar, nobody combines science-based sex technique with audacious commentary the way I do.
But I need to take a trip to a new world now. I’ve been putting the word out to agents and editors: Looking for exciting project. I thought I might have found one on my own. I heard a DJ’s voice on the radio and couldn’t get it out of my head that day. Checked him out on line. Sent him two emails. I was willing to write a proposal on spec, no upfront money. I was that sure of him as someone with an original voice, a compelling story to tell. No response.
Derek called. He is disappointed that I don’t want to do his book. I told him: Get back to me when your cougar list includes a link to a Kennedy and a scorned political wife. We’ll do lunch.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: the men ask auntie sue: reader questions on kinky emo man--and
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Kinky Men, The Emo Man--and "Are Bitches Better Lovers?"

Readers are still responding to The SexyPrime Taboo Sex Survey. The post from the “married white girl, 37” really struck a chord with women. They love her gut honesty about everything from her raging libido to her messy anal sex experience. (She will be back, I promise.) Some women have asked if the “master” who wrote “It Started With A Mutual Admiration For ‘The Story of O’ “ is available to explore their fantasies.

Babes, I’m gonna’ dish here. I know the man. A professional colleague, he is a rather typical specimen of the post-40 and aging fast white male: balding, little pot belly, outsized sense of his own importance reflected in his belittling of others, convinced his wife couldn’t live without him and his ex-submissive left him because she knew he wouldn’t marry her. Recently he confided that a creative artist, temporarily homeless and very down on her luck, shared an SM fantasy with him. He sent her long emails proposing an SM relationship, warning her he wouldn’t marry her [Who asked him?} and inviting her to be beaten in his bed for a weekend while his wife was away. She, like most women who have such fantasies, wasn’t into that. (But she gave me his emails; and I may publish, partly to hear what responsible members of the BDSM community have to say about his approach.) He wrote a sexy post but I don’t think you want this pudgy little man in your life.

Q. “I read that comment about the woman realizing what she thought was kinky sex was really bad sex with a misogynist who had no spanking skills. Most of my friends, professional women, have had similar experiences. I want to try erotic spanking, but how do I find a guy who knows what he’s doing?” Ginger, 38.
A. I can tell you how to spot the guy who does not know what he’s doing. He dates women who are more successful than he is—and not so secretly resents the dichotomy. His erotic skills from kissing to fucking aren’t that great. And the misogynist lives right under his thin skin. (Listen to him. A woman is always to blame.) Read one of the most popular posts on SexyPrime, “A Fine Line Between Lust and Loathing”.
If you have a good sex partner, tell him you’d like to be spanked. I know it can be hard to tell your lover what you want, partly because you don’t want to shock or offend him. Take the chance! Buy one of Rachel Kramer Bussel’s erotic anthologies, Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories and Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica for inspiration. Explore together. If you don’t have a good sex partner—keep looking. You are not likely to get a good spanking from that surly guy you meet in a bar.

Q. “I want to know more about Emo Man! He seems like he would be a fabulous lover. How do I get my guy to be more emo? He did try the Whiskey Dick Cunnilingus Technique. Great!” Carrie, 31.
A. Emo Man has turned shy. I would love to have him back for more conversations. Yes, I sense that he is an exceptional lover too. (I write this as I am lying in bed with my lover/cousin/lawyer who advises, “Men share their feelings while they’re making love to you. Pay attention. You don’t need the dialogue to get the message.” Good advice.)
It’s easier to get a man to try a new oral move than become suddenly emotional. Some guys (and women) aren’t that emotional. The more you push, the more he withdraws and withholds. How would you feel if he asked you to produce an emotional response on command?
Powerful men can also be fabulous in bed, Babes.

Q. “The best sex I ever had was with a woman I would never marry. Frankly, she’s a bitch—tough, smart, successful, killer instincts. I am engaged to a wonderful woman. The sex is good, not great. Will I one day regret letting the bitch go? Are bitches always better in bed?” Adam, 30.
A. Oh, sweet Adam, of course you will! (But you’d probably have more regrets if you actually married the bitch. Look at as-good-as-married Brad Pitt.) Marriage is rife with regret. A successful marriage requires that one have a pragmatic mindset about love, passion, commitment, monogamy—not encouraged in Western society.
Are bitches always better in bed? Being something of a bitch myself, I can’t answer that one. (Hint: We claim our own pleasure. Maybe that’s what excited you.)

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/

SusanCrainBakos

Tags: for sex is of the ask auntie sue: reader questions on money lies--and
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Money for Sex, Sex Lies--and "What Is The Average Cost of Getting Laid?"

As the recession continues to hover over our heads and winter keeps poking us with icy claws, SexyPrime readers seem to be pondering the connection between sex, money and lies. I won’t chastise you for displaying your sexual mercenary side. Most of the human condition could fit into the sex/money/lies category—yes?

Q. “I am seeing a man I know to be wealthy, but he doesn’t spend it on me. We go to moderately-priced restaurants—He never over-tips—and he doesn’t buy me gifts, except flowers occasionally. The sex is good, but I am not as excited about going to bed with him as I was. My girlfriends say bide my time and fake the lust. I know you say, ‘Don’t fake,’ so what should I do—start asking for things?” Jennifer, 36.

A. “Sex and the City” did us all a disservice by presenting an advisory panel of girlfriends as a good thing. Bide your time for what? Fake why? Should you ask for “things?”! How do you plan to do that? Honey, I would get excited about giving you a blow job if you gave me a nice piece of jewelry first? Set your price and be straightforward about it. How much do you think your sexual skills are worth? Attach a monetary value to each of them and hand him the price list. Maybe he won’t mind paying for sex. (Tip: See The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.)

I’ve had rich lovers and poor ones. Sometimes the most generous men have little money. The wealthy, on the other hand, may hold back because they are afraid of being wanted only for their money. It’s a complex subject. By the way, I love flowers. A man who brings flowers charms me. The lavish bar tipper does not impress me—but I never worked as a bartender.

Q. “Why do women always lie about the number of partners they’ve had? My women friends admit their numbers to me but lie to their sex partners. My girlfriend swears I’m only her fourth—but I doubt it. Is there a trick to figuring out how much a woman is lying about her sexual past?” Josh, 34.

A. Women lie because high numbers are still more socially acceptable for men than women. Buy a copy of The Sex Bible for Women as a birthday gift for one (or all) of your gal pals—and read it before wrapping. The studies on how men and women report sexual behavior are fascinating. (Plus you will pick up some good sex tips.)

I don’t believe that any of us owe a new partner the body count. We do owe him or her the truth about exposure to STIs. She may have had 20 disease-free partners and one who exposed her to herpes. You need to know about the one. Use condoms until you are in a committed relationship—and then keep using them until you have both been tested for STIs.

Q. “My brother is twenty years older than I am. Recently divorced, he asks me for ‘dating’ advice. I tell him, ‘Bro, we don’t date.’ He broke it down to the ultimate question, ‘What is the cost of getting laid—and not by a prostitute?’” Kendrick, 29.

A. “I met a 26 year old film producer at a lunch feting author Barry Udall last week. She said, ‘No one dates anymore, so I keep a gaggle of men.’ She doesn’t necessarily have hook-up sex with them, but the gaggle responds to “Let’s meet for a drink” calls. People over 35 may have hook-ups and gaggles of their own, but they still date.

Tell your brother the cost of getting laid varies depending on his socioeconomic status and whether he is looking for a bar bathroom blow job or sex on clean sheets with the possibility of coffee in the morning. Remind him he may not get laid on the first date. Getting the quality woman into her bed or his will cost from $500 to $1.000 on drinks and dinners.

Now tell him to read the first question in this column.

Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/