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| Wed, 28 Apr 2010 10:19:02 |
SusanCrainBakos |
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ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Dick Tricks, Eye Gazing parties--and "Does He Think I'm A Slut?"
Great e-mails this past week! I loved hearing from a surge of new readers in India, the Middle East and Europe. Many of my readers—of the books and blog—are outside the States; and they help me feel intimately linked to the global community. Today’s questions come from women in Illinois, Mumbai and the U.K. Next week, men’s questions from the same cities.
Q. “My new man is on medication for high blood pressure—and he’s only 37. He doesn’t get as hard an erection as past lovers; and sometimes he has trouble achieving an erection. Is this related to the meds? And what can I do to help?” Andrea, 39, Chicago, Illinois.
A. Many American men have erection issues as early as their thirties because of sedentary lifestyles, overweight, heavy drinking, prescription and recreational drug use—and related health issues. First, a confession: While I have employed several “dick tricks” to re-vitalize a flagging erection on an occasional basis—I have never been with a man who has a recurring problem. Only the confident man comes on to a sexologist; and nothing robs him of confidence like erectile dysfunction. (Really, gentlemen, I am mature enough to handle the situation in a loving way—and you have developed excellent oral skills in compensation—Yes?) Research the effects of high blood pressure and the medications to control it on male sexuality and keep the information to yourself. He already knows. The meds likely cause his erectile issues—but don’t turn the situation into The Problem. Don’t suggest Viagra or Cialis. Unless you are married to the guy, thus having some rights to the use of his genitals, you don’t have a voice in this choice.
When a man loses his erection during lovemaking, he may want you to perform fellatio—or he may prefer to ignore his limp penis and focus on giving you pleasure which likely will excite him too. Follow his lead. If he wants fellatio, The Perfect Stand-Up Kiss in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women can raise the dead.
Another tip: Start without him. Use a semi-erection to pleasure yourself. Grasp the base firmly as you stroke the head of his penis across your clitoris. When he grows a little firmer, insert his penis but keep holding the base—and control the thrusting manually. More dick tricks in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women.
Q. “I have been reading about eye gazing parties in some U.S. cities. Is that based on the Tantra eye-lock? Do you think that strangers are capable of sustained intimate eye contact? And do you have advice for using eye contact in sex?” Mena, 34, Mumbai, India.
A. Inspired by speed dating rather than Tantra, eye-gazing parties are gaining in popularity in cities like New York and D.C. Rather than sharing brief conversations before moving on to the next “date,” strangers make sustained eye contact with several partners. Yes, it can be very intimate. Without relying on words, the couple look into one another’s eyes to read emotions.
But you are right in assuming that Tantra is the inspiration for Western lovers’ interest in using their eyes. I created my own version of Tantra—Fusion Tantra—which combines Eastern lovemaking techniques with the Western goal-oriented philosophy of having it better and faster. See my version of The Eye Lock in The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy.
Other tips: Keep your eyes open more often during lovemaking. Eyes open at orgasm is a very powerful intimacy tool. But give yourself a break. Sometimes we need or want to go into ourselves sexually and so we close our eyes. That’s fine too.
Q. “I am newly divorced and not quite comfortable being available again. Every man I meet when I go out with girlfriends or alone seems to think I fancy a quick shag. What am I doing wrong? Is it my clothes? A man I really like has asked me out; and I don’t want him to think I am a slut. Advice?” Penelope, 42, London.
A. It could be your clothes. Some men assume that displays of cleavage and/or legs are advertisements for the product they can get free. Frankly, I am happy to eliminate those guys early on so I would never dress to disarm them. (Do you know how many glasses of Champaign I owe to great legs?) But you do need to possess a sense of bravado to dress provocatively—and even then, there are limits.
According to a recent study at The University of Leeds, men are most comfortable when a woman exposes 40% of skin. Less—and they write her off as a prude. More—and they deem her too available and likely prone to infidelity. Each arm and leg counts as 10%--and the torso is 50%. Going by this rule, a sleeveless dress that hits mid-thigh needs to be high-necked. (I am merely passing this information along, not endorsing it.)
Another reason men may think you “fancy a quick shag”—and I love that term!—is that perhaps you are drinking too much to compensate for feeling anxious. Men do believe that a tipsy woman is an easy lay. Bottom line: Don’t expose as much skin as a 20 year-old and drink cautiously when you go out with the new guy. If he thinks you are a slut, however, that’s his problem, not yours. Who wants one of those judgmental men in her bed?
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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