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| Wed, 28 Jul 2010 0:08:45 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
women
lust
WHY DO WOMEN LUST?--The SexyPrime Science Question of the Day
There's an interesting story by John Cloud in Time magazine: "The Science of Cougar Sex: Why Older Women Lust" reporting on a study by University of Texas psychologist David Buss that appeared in the July issue of Personality and Individual Difference.
"Buss and his colleagues found that women in their 30s and 40s are significantly more sexual than younger women."
They have more intense sexual fantasies, more orgasms, more sex--and even more one-night stands. That women have a greater capacity for sexual pleasure is not news. That we grow more sexual as we move out of our twenties isn't news. Here is the news peg: Older men presumably continue to lust because they are evolutionarily programmed to keep spreading their genes until they drop dead--but why would women continue to lust, beyond an interest in procreation, beyond minilaproscopy tubal ligation, beyond menopause, outside marriage--and from the male viewpoint perhaps, beyond all reason?
The study posits an evolutionary reason that has more holes in it than your kitchen sieve, but I am just happy to be reading about women who love sex for a change from the low desire studies. So I am doing more research. I want to know--and this is the first in a series of SexyPrime Science Questions of the Day, more easily and quickly answered than a survey--
WHO DO WOMEN LUST?
[Next Tuesday: Let's talk about what we lust after.....]
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| Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:50:55 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
older/younger
cougar/cub
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MY CUB?--First Response to SexyPrime's Cougar/Cub Survey
I am still reading and tabulating the responses to The SexyPrime Older Woman/Younger Man Survey. If you haven't responded yet, you aren't too late, but get it in by next Tuesday.
Letters from men petitioning to be my "new cub" are an interesting and unexpected sub-category. This is very flattering. I'm glad I write about sex and posted a cleavage shot on Facebook. How else would they all find me?
One man wrote, "I hope you aren't serious when you say you may be over boys. You have so much to teach us."
Hmmmm.....but isn't that why i write books and blog?
From another: "Older women are interesting to me because they are more complex, more independent and aren't shy about telling a man how they like sex. The guessing games with girls are too damn much trouble."
I wrote back to some of them and asked:
Why do you want me? What do you want to do to me, for me, with me?
Here is my favorite (so far) response. (And nice photo, Baby.)
"I want you because I am attracted to you and your sexuality. Your softness. Your pictures. Your knowledge.
"I want to explore your body slowly, meticulously. I want to discover all your spots. Then I want to take my tongue and use it like a paintbrush and craft a masterpiece on your body. Then I want to take my penis and do a deep exploration of your body wherever it will fit.
"I want to make you smile."
Whew.
The weekend sex tip comes from a younger man who says he learned it from his older woman lover. Don't miss it.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Wed, 30 Jun 2010 11:45:32 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
cougar
milf
older/younger
LEGS UP!--A Reader Shares His Cougar's Best Position
From a twenty-something reader involved with a forty-something cougar: "Have to admit--cougars give kick-ass blow jobs. And it's cute how they automatically flip up their legs for the missionary position."
Well, Baby, not sure how I feel about that one. I asked him what he meant by "flip up"--legs straight up, over shoulders, around waist?
"Straight up," he said--"and I love the way she grabs my ass and pulls me into her rhythm.
I prefer the open missionary: wrap one leg around his waist or rest on or over his shoulder and put the other leg out to the side, knee bent. Great leverage. Room to play with your clit in a showy way so that he gets something out of it too. You can always grab his ass.
Now, dear reader, about your assumptions on "cougars" based on one experience: Some women don't automatically flip up their legs, especially for a man who thinks it's "cute."
I'm giving you a pass on this one because you have sent two of my favorite reader sex tips: The Come From Behind Hand Job and The Bend-Over BJ. Your tone was different there. Hmmmm....I am wondering if you find your cougar "too easy" or "too enthusiastic" and disdain just a tad because she is.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 7 Jun 2010 12:06:05 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
special
advice
from
sailors--a
fleet
week
SEX ADVICE FROM SAILORS--A Fleet Week Special
Last year three junior officers took me out for lunch and asked for sex advice. Masturbation was the subject on their minds--and specifically how it would (or not) ruin their sex lives with their partners. A few days ago four junior officers took me out to lunch and shared their best sex advice. Here it is:
Women like to be seduced. (Yes!)
"I've watched drunken sailors make sloppy advances and, unless the woman is equally drunk, they get smacked down. My advice to men who go out to bars hoping to hook up--drink less and seduce the woman while you're still sober. Pay her genuine compliments. Ask questions about her. Be interested in who she is and what she has to say. Make slow and easy physical advances. Touch her hand, her arm. When things heat up a little, move closer to her and run your finger down her cheek. If a piece of hair falls down on her face, gently lift it up. Take your time with her and she will be the one kissing you at the bar."
Become a Tantric sailor.
One of the guys wrote to me several months ago after buying a copy of The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy on shore leave in London. He wrote: "I practice my Kegels now and do the breathing exercises while masturbating. I've learned how to prolong masturbation and have stronger orgasms. When I get in bed with a woman again, I know this will make the sex better." Yes, he now says, it did. (Check out a recent Ask Auntie Sue column for tips on using these tehniques to have multiple orgasms.)
Instead of reading/watching porn obsessively, learn about women's bodies and how they really work.
Another of the group also wrote to me about one of my books, The Sex Bible for Women.
"My sister sent me a copy and wrote--'Maybe you will change your luck with women if you learn what they want.' I laughed, threw it in my locker, forgot about it until another guy pulled it out. The photos are great. The book got passed around and came back to me with comments written in the margins. I can't tell you how many times guys wrote, 'Did you know that?' I read. I know now. One thing I learned, don't go straight for the pussy. While a guy loves it if a woman puts her hand or mouth on his erection right away--women want to be opened up more slowly, starting from the lips down."
Good advice, sailors. I love corresponding with all of you. We can't thank you enough for being out there, protecting us. We are free in America to live our lives--writing about sex, having sex, speaking freely and more--thanks to our men and women in uniform.
I am stealing this from Dan Taylor's sign-off yesterday on wcbsfm 101.1's The Morning Show:
"Please take a moment this holiday weekend amidst the barbecues and mattress sales to remember those who died in service. On Memorial Day, this is the Land of the Free because of The Brave."
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 7 May 2010 9:10:28 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
IT'S KIMMIE WEDNESDAY!: Bad Girl, Part Two
Kimmie sent me the lnk to an article on alternet.com by Josey Vogels: "Women Have Lots of Casual Sex--Get Over It." The overwhelming majority of sex surveys, studies and research projects focus on women who are sexually dissatisfied. This one surveyed 1500 lusty women in their twenties who LOVE sex. Some of them undoubtedly are "bad girls."
Once again, with great pleasure, here's Kimmie:
Bad Girl, Part 2
He was so beautiful.
I dropped my bag and settled back down. No need to hurry, I smiled to myself. I’d been a soccer fan since high school, when it seemed like all the cutest boys were on the team. I loved their legs the best – thick thighs with those two gorgeous muscles right over the knee. Delicious. And they were always hot and sweaty from running around outside.
It appeared that the men were now organized into two teams and a game was about to start. On one side of the field, shirts came off. Oh my, I thought to myself. It was a tasty added bonus to my voyeurism on this lovely afternoon. My guy was on the skins team. He peeled off his jersey, revealing a nice strong waist with just a hint of ab muscles, and as his arms went up, I could see a thin trail of hair from his navel down.
He jogged to the sidelines where he’d left his bag and ripped off his pull-away warm-up pants. Now it was my turn to sweat. His legs were amazing. I swear I could see each individual muscle in those legs in perfect definition. Soccer shorts have always been the best way to show off a man, I thought. Something about the thin, shiny material, stopping halfway down to emphasized the good, meaty parts of a leg. His skin was gorgeous, darker than my own, and the shadows really set off how fit he was.
He ran back to the opposite side of the field to join his teammates as they discussed their strategy. I could hear the rise and fall of their voices, although not the words. Deep masculine tones flowed smoothly through the air, sprinkled with light laughter. His smile showed beautiful straight white teeth even from across the field. His smile made me smile, too. He looked so casual and comfortable and easy in his body, it was simple for me to think he was probably comfortable and easy in his life as well. I liked that thought.
They appeared to finish whatever plans needed to be made and after a team yell, the group broke apart. They all jogged to their places on the field. I watched his legs as the muscles went slack with each forward step, then hardened as they re-engaged, moving him across the field like melting caramel dripping down a luscious dessert. A quick image of his naked body lying prone in a bed with me between his knees holding his legs apart and licking up those thighs popped into my head, but I banished it sternly. No need to get all worked up right now, although the teasing little glimpses of his upper thighs that I kept getting as he ran weren’t helping me to not think. Neither were the nice round biceps or the gentle curve of his triceps in his strong arms as he pumped them to run. Not to mention the deep dip of muscles in his back, that wonderful divot leading right down to the hint of ass cleavage at the waistband of his shorts. Another quick picture invaded my mind, showing him on his stomach in that bed, this time with my fingers slowly pulling his elastic waistband down over the beautiful hump of his ass, as I ran my tongue gently into that sensitive spot right under the two little dimples at the base of his spine…
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Wed, 28 Apr 2010 10:19:02 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
ask
auntie
sue
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Dick Tricks, Eye Gazing parties--and "Does He Think I'm A Slut?"
Great e-mails this past week! I loved hearing from a surge of new readers in India, the Middle East and Europe. Many of my readers—of the books and blog—are outside the States; and they help me feel intimately linked to the global community. Today’s questions come from women in Illinois, Mumbai and the U.K. Next week, men’s questions from the same cities.
Q. “My new man is on medication for high blood pressure—and he’s only 37. He doesn’t get as hard an erection as past lovers; and sometimes he has trouble achieving an erection. Is this related to the meds? And what can I do to help?” Andrea, 39, Chicago, Illinois.
A. Many American men have erection issues as early as their thirties because of sedentary lifestyles, overweight, heavy drinking, prescription and recreational drug use—and related health issues. First, a confession: While I have employed several “dick tricks” to re-vitalize a flagging erection on an occasional basis—I have never been with a man who has a recurring problem. Only the confident man comes on to a sexologist; and nothing robs him of confidence like erectile dysfunction. (Really, gentlemen, I am mature enough to handle the situation in a loving way—and you have developed excellent oral skills in compensation—Yes?) Research the effects of high blood pressure and the medications to control it on male sexuality and keep the information to yourself. He already knows. The meds likely cause his erectile issues—but don’t turn the situation into The Problem. Don’t suggest Viagra or Cialis. Unless you are married to the guy, thus having some rights to the use of his genitals, you don’t have a voice in this choice.
When a man loses his erection during lovemaking, he may want you to perform fellatio—or he may prefer to ignore his limp penis and focus on giving you pleasure which likely will excite him too. Follow his lead. If he wants fellatio, The Perfect Stand-Up Kiss in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women can raise the dead.
Another tip: Start without him. Use a semi-erection to pleasure yourself. Grasp the base firmly as you stroke the head of his penis across your clitoris. When he grows a little firmer, insert his penis but keep holding the base—and control the thrusting manually. More dick tricks in both The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women.
Q. “I have been reading about eye gazing parties in some U.S. cities. Is that based on the Tantra eye-lock? Do you think that strangers are capable of sustained intimate eye contact? And do you have advice for using eye contact in sex?” Mena, 34, Mumbai, India.
A. Inspired by speed dating rather than Tantra, eye-gazing parties are gaining in popularity in cities like New York and D.C. Rather than sharing brief conversations before moving on to the next “date,” strangers make sustained eye contact with several partners. Yes, it can be very intimate. Without relying on words, the couple look into one another’s eyes to read emotions.
But you are right in assuming that Tantra is the inspiration for Western lovers’ interest in using their eyes. I created my own version of Tantra—Fusion Tantra—which combines Eastern lovemaking techniques with the Western goal-oriented philosophy of having it better and faster. See my version of The Eye Lock in The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy.
Other tips: Keep your eyes open more often during lovemaking. Eyes open at orgasm is a very powerful intimacy tool. But give yourself a break. Sometimes we need or want to go into ourselves sexually and so we close our eyes. That’s fine too.
Q. “I am newly divorced and not quite comfortable being available again. Every man I meet when I go out with girlfriends or alone seems to think I fancy a quick shag. What am I doing wrong? Is it my clothes? A man I really like has asked me out; and I don’t want him to think I am a slut. Advice?” Penelope, 42, London.
A. It could be your clothes. Some men assume that displays of cleavage and/or legs are advertisements for the product they can get free. Frankly, I am happy to eliminate those guys early on so I would never dress to disarm them. (Do you know how many glasses of Champaign I owe to great legs?) But you do need to possess a sense of bravado to dress provocatively—and even then, there are limits.
According to a recent study at The University of Leeds, men are most comfortable when a woman exposes 40% of skin. Less—and they write her off as a prude. More—and they deem her too available and likely prone to infidelity. Each arm and leg counts as 10%--and the torso is 50%. Going by this rule, a sleeveless dress that hits mid-thigh needs to be high-necked. (I am merely passing this information along, not endorsing it.)
Another reason men may think you “fancy a quick shag”—and I love that term!—is that perhaps you are drinking too much to compensate for feeling anxious. Men do believe that a tipsy woman is an easy lay. Bottom line: Don’t expose as much skin as a 20 year-old and drink cautiously when you go out with the new guy. If he thinks you are a slut, however, that’s his problem, not yours. Who wants one of those judgmental men in her bed?
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 12 Apr 2010 19:12:55 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
quickie
vibrator
The Small Vibes Quickie
If she doesn’t own a sweetheart vibrator or a pair of vibrating panties, surprise her with the gift of your choice. Ask her to wear the vibe as foreplay—perhaps as you share a glass of wine or during dinner or while cleaning up the kitchen together. When it’s quickie time, take her in your arms, kiss and fondle her—
And vibrate her labia lips with a finger vibe as you do.
Enter her from behind in a standing position and continue the finger vibe stimulation as you thrust.
The double vibe action will bring her to orgasm quickly.
A Standing Position variation:
Here’s how to make standing sex feel as good as it looks:
• With his legs comfortably apart, he stands behind her and holds onto her waist.
• She leans forward so that her upper body is perpendicular to his and, with arms outstretched to the sides, holds onto a door frame or braces against a wall—
•OR leans into a dresser or another piece of furniture.
• He squats slightly so she can lower herself onto him. If he is considerably taller than she is, she can stand on her toes, wear heels or stand on a stool.
The position allows her to influence the thrusting by pushing back against him—and the angle is good for G spot stimulation.
A variation for the fit and supple: She bends all the way forward, touching her toes with her hands.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:37:09 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
for
sex
paying
WILL AMERICAN WOMEN PAY FOR SEX--THE WAY FRENCH WOMEN DO?
Would you pay for sex?
I asked that question in the Taboo Sex Survey—and very few women said that they would. (Men would, will, and have.)
Several recent studies have reported the not surprising news that French women over forty have more sex than their British or American counterparts. For example, a survey by France's Regional Health Observatory found that just 15 per cent of French women in their fifties and 27 per cent in their sixties said they hadn't had sex in the past year. By contrast, a British survey showed 34 per cent of Britons in their fifties and 54 per cent in their sixties hadn't had sex in the past year. (The figures are similar in American studies.)
Partly, that can be explained by cultural attitudes. French women are still considered desirable into older age (just as American men are.) The French don’t see love and sex in such limited all-or-nothing—monogamy/celibacy—terms. They don’t seem to fall prey to the Prude ‘Tude, the anti-sexual and judgmental attitude adopted by so many aging American and British women once they have all but given up on sex.
But there is another factor boosting the older Frenchwoman’s sexual frequency statistics: She will pay for sex.
Reflecting on cultural value variations, Pamela Druckerman, author of one of my favorite books, Lust In Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee, (Penguin Group) concludes: People everywhere lie about sex, buying sex doesn’t constitute as cheating in many countries—and no Western society takes adultery more seriously than Americans.
She believes that Anglo women voluntarily quit sex; French women don’t. “They are willing to embrace experiences that will not lead to marriage and are not even long-lasting.”
Another interesting book on French women: What French Women Know: About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind (Putnam, USA) by Debra Olliver.
And two French films that will give you some insight into the gigolo experience: “Heading South” featuring the incomparable Charlotte Rampling and “Cliente” in which the heroine buys nights with boys off the internet.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:36:52 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
dating
WHO'S DATING NOW?--Some Never Stopped, Some Never Start
"No one dates. You text where you are or where you're going and people meet you there. I have a gaggle of men--three or four or five or six at all times. I am not having sex with all of them, but they are men to be with," a 26 year-old "white girl working in PR."
"I date. Sometimes I just hook up. My wife doesn't know, of course," a 43 year-old married white guy.
"I don't plan formal dates, but i will call a woman when I see I can get away early and invite her for drinks or dinner. I am generous, for example, I like having sex in nice hotels," a 39 year-old black male corporate executive.
"Yes, I date and I fear I will keep dating and will date longer than humans were ever meant to date," a "very popular forty-something divorced white woman."
"Sister, let me tell you a black man's idea of a date: You waiting for him at your place with a home-cooked meal and him showing up in time to watch the game on TV while he eats it, then doing you after," a "black working woman, baby mama by choice, never married" in her thirties.
I am tabulating the results of SexyPrime's Dating/Mating/Hooking-Up Survey and will publish the results later this week. A few teasers:
•20% of respondents under thirty have never dated--though many are living together or married.
•Old white guys have adapted to hook-up culture. I expect some indignant responses to the 55-year-old (and exceptionally well-endowed) man who only has sex with young Asian women. They come to his apartment. He photographs them nude and sometimes in sexual poses. (Yes, he "shared" the photos with me, including shots of a 19 year-old Korean American girl sucking his endowment.)
•75% of admitted cougars not only date but do NOT pay for the dates. (Listen up, young women: Guys your age do date.)
The responses raise some new questions, like:
Whatever happened to romance?
Is seduction truly the lost art?
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:36:39 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
boytoy
revenge
REVENGE OF THE BOY TOY--Or, No, I Won't Ghost That Book
“I have a project for you,” the agent said. Her last two projects were another tell-all-of-never-before-told-gossip by someone distantly connected to a Kennedy and a wronged political wife memoir. I don’t think so to both. “A young Wall Street trader had three relationships with cougars in two years. He wanted real relationships, with the possibility of a future. They just wanted to use his body.”
No! Really?
“You know I’ll probably side with the cougars,” I said and she laughed.
“Derek was with a trader, a cosmetic surgeon and a writer—high profile women who used him sexually…..”
Derek. I had a little cougar fling with a Wall Street boy named Derek. Or was it Eric? I kept forgetting his name and had to ask my guy pals what it was. But I think it was Derek. Yes, now I am sure it was Derek.
“Do you have any details on the wanton writer?” I asked
“Well, he only has notes, he needs a proposal, the writer has to come on board immediately….” Click, click, tap, tap. She found his notes. “Okay, sex writer taught him about sex toys, gave the best head he’d ever experienced, looked sexy in his white shirts, wouldn’t let him into her life, had more commitment issues than the entire cast of characters on ‘Seinfeld’…..” She broke off and cleared her throat. “Omigod,” she said.
“Sex writer,” I said. Long pause. “I have a title for him: Revenge of the Boy Toy—or My Sex Life With Oedipal Complex.”
Yes, in my other writing life, I am a ghostwriter because it gets me out of my world and into somebody else’s. I’ve ghosted for lawyers, psychologists, doctors, CEOs, scientists, celebs, including a sports star—people who don’t have the time to write their own books. I bond with them, get their story, internalize their voice so I can write as the author, not as myself. It’s very rewarding—in ways beyond money.
I am wrapping my own latest book, The Daily Sex Bible, either my 19th or 20th book with a pub date fall 2010 or winter 2011. Before that, Best Sex Ever comes out in June and then The Little Book of Big Os in ? I may keep haphazard track of the publishing details, but I love my own books and take great pride in them, especially the set of beautifully photographed books I’ve done for Quiver Books beginning with The Sex Bible in 2006. Sugar, nobody combines science-based sex technique with audacious commentary the way I do.
But I need to take a trip to a new world now. I’ve been putting the word out to agents and editors: Looking for exciting project. I thought I might have found one on my own. I heard a DJ’s voice on the radio and couldn’t get it out of my head that day. Checked him out on line. Sent him two emails. I was willing to write a proposal on spec, no upfront money. I was that sure of him as someone with an original voice, a compelling story to tell. No response.
Derek called. He is disappointed that I don’t want to do his book. I told him: Get back to me when your cougar list includes a link to a Kennedy and a scorned political wife. We’ll do lunch.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:36:25 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
the
men
ask
auntie
sue:
reader
questions
on
kinky
emo
man--and
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Kinky Men, The Emo Man--and "Are Bitches Better Lovers?"
Readers are still responding to The SexyPrime Taboo Sex Survey. The post from the “married white girl, 37” really struck a chord with women. They love her gut honesty about everything from her raging libido to her messy anal sex experience. (She will be back, I promise.) Some women have asked if the “master” who wrote “It Started With A Mutual Admiration For ‘The Story of O’ “ is available to explore their fantasies.
Babes, I’m gonna’ dish here. I know the man. A professional colleague, he is a rather typical specimen of the post-40 and aging fast white male: balding, little pot belly, outsized sense of his own importance reflected in his belittling of others, convinced his wife couldn’t live without him and his ex-submissive left him because she knew he wouldn’t marry her. Recently he confided that a creative artist, temporarily homeless and very down on her luck, shared an SM fantasy with him. He sent her long emails proposing an SM relationship, warning her he wouldn’t marry her [Who asked him?} and inviting her to be beaten in his bed for a weekend while his wife was away. She, like most women who have such fantasies, wasn’t into that. (But she gave me his emails; and I may publish, partly to hear what responsible members of the BDSM community have to say about his approach.) He wrote a sexy post but I don’t think you want this pudgy little man in your life.
Q. “I read that comment about the woman realizing what she thought was kinky sex was really bad sex with a misogynist who had no spanking skills. Most of my friends, professional women, have had similar experiences. I want to try erotic spanking, but how do I find a guy who knows what he’s doing?” Ginger, 38.
A. I can tell you how to spot the guy who does not know what he’s doing. He dates women who are more successful than he is—and not so secretly resents the dichotomy. His erotic skills from kissing to fucking aren’t that great. And the misogynist lives right under his thin skin. (Listen to him. A woman is always to blame.) Read one of the most popular posts on SexyPrime, “A Fine Line Between Lust and Loathing”.
If you have a good sex partner, tell him you’d like to be spanked. I know it can be hard to tell your lover what you want, partly because you don’t want to shock or offend him. Take the chance! Buy one of Rachel Kramer Bussel’s erotic anthologies, Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories and Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica for inspiration. Explore together. If you don’t have a good sex partner—keep looking. You are not likely to get a good spanking from that surly guy you meet in a bar.
Q. “I want to know more about Emo Man! He seems like he would be a fabulous lover. How do I get my guy to be more emo? He did try the Whiskey Dick Cunnilingus Technique. Great!” Carrie, 31.
A. Emo Man has turned shy. I would love to have him back for more conversations. Yes, I sense that he is an exceptional lover too. (I write this as I am lying in bed with my lover/cousin/lawyer who advises, “Men share their feelings while they’re making love to you. Pay attention. You don’t need the dialogue to get the message.” Good advice.)
It’s easier to get a man to try a new oral move than become suddenly emotional. Some guys (and women) aren’t that emotional. The more you push, the more he withdraws and withholds. How would you feel if he asked you to produce an emotional response on command?
Powerful men can also be fabulous in bed, Babes.
Q. “The best sex I ever had was with a woman I would never marry. Frankly, she’s a bitch—tough, smart, successful, killer instincts. I am engaged to a wonderful woman. The sex is good, not great. Will I one day regret letting the bitch go? Are bitches always better in bed?” Adam, 30.
A. Oh, sweet Adam, of course you will! (But you’d probably have more regrets if you actually married the bitch. Look at as-good-as-married Brad Pitt.) Marriage is rife with regret. A successful marriage requires that one have a pragmatic mindset about love, passion, commitment, monogamy—not encouraged in Western society.
Are bitches always better in bed? Being something of a bitch myself, I can’t answer that one. (Hint: We claim our own pleasure. Maybe that’s what excited you.)
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:36:12 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
for
sex
is
of
the
ask
auntie
sue:
reader
questions
on
money
lies--and
ASK AUNTIE SUE: Reader Questions on Money for Sex, Sex Lies--and "What Is The Average Cost of Getting Laid?"
As the recession continues to hover over our heads and winter keeps poking us with icy claws, SexyPrime readers seem to be pondering the connection between sex, money and lies. I won’t chastise you for displaying your sexual mercenary side. Most of the human condition could fit into the sex/money/lies category—yes?
Q. “I am seeing a man I know to be wealthy, but he doesn’t spend it on me. We go to moderately-priced restaurants—He never over-tips—and he doesn’t buy me gifts, except flowers occasionally. The sex is good, but I am not as excited about going to bed with him as I was. My girlfriends say bide my time and fake the lust. I know you say, ‘Don’t fake,’ so what should I do—start asking for things?” Jennifer, 36.
A. “Sex and the City” did us all a disservice by presenting an advisory panel of girlfriends as a good thing. Bide your time for what? Fake why? Should you ask for “things?”! How do you plan to do that? Honey, I would get excited about giving you a blow job if you gave me a nice piece of jewelry first? Set your price and be straightforward about it. How much do you think your sexual skills are worth? Attach a monetary value to each of them and hand him the price list. Maybe he won’t mind paying for sex. (Tip: See The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.)
I’ve had rich lovers and poor ones. Sometimes the most generous men have little money. The wealthy, on the other hand, may hold back because they are afraid of being wanted only for their money. It’s a complex subject. By the way, I love flowers. A man who brings flowers charms me. The lavish bar tipper does not impress me—but I never worked as a bartender.
Q. “Why do women always lie about the number of partners they’ve had? My women friends admit their numbers to me but lie to their sex partners. My girlfriend swears I’m only her fourth—but I doubt it. Is there a trick to figuring out how much a woman is lying about her sexual past?” Josh, 34.
A. Women lie because high numbers are still more socially acceptable for men than women. Buy a copy of The Sex Bible for Women as a birthday gift for one (or all) of your gal pals—and read it before wrapping. The studies on how men and women report sexual behavior are fascinating. (Plus you will pick up some good sex tips.)
I don’t believe that any of us owe a new partner the body count. We do owe him or her the truth about exposure to STIs. She may have had 20 disease-free partners and one who exposed her to herpes. You need to know about the one. Use condoms until you are in a committed relationship—and then keep using them until you have both been tested for STIs.
Q. “My brother is twenty years older than I am. Recently divorced, he asks me for ‘dating’ advice. I tell him, ‘Bro, we don’t date.’ He broke it down to the ultimate question, ‘What is the cost of getting laid—and not by a prostitute?’” Kendrick, 29.
A. “I met a 26 year old film producer at a lunch feting author Barry Udall last week. She said, ‘No one dates anymore, so I keep a gaggle of men.’ She doesn’t necessarily have hook-up sex with them, but the gaggle responds to “Let’s meet for a drink” calls. People over 35 may have hook-ups and gaggles of their own, but they still date.
Tell your brother the cost of getting laid varies depending on his socioeconomic status and whether he is looking for a bar bathroom blow job or sex on clean sheets with the possibility of coffee in the morning. Remind him he may not get laid on the first date. Getting the quality woman into her bed or his will cost from $500 to $1.000 on drinks and dinners.
Now tell him to read the first question in this column.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Fri, 26 Mar 2010 9:35:44 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
the
taboo
rape
fantasy:
every
woman's
fantasy
THE RAPE FANTASY: Every Woman's Taboo Fantasy
“I’ve harbored a secret rape fantasy for years. It is all about unbridled lust—unlike REAL rape which is a power trip for some asshole.
“Come on whose ego wouldn’t benefit from knowing a frustrated (trusted) man couldn’t control the animal urge to push you against the wall, raise your skirt and have his way???
“Really, ladies?
“Since the divorce, I’ve also learned about silk ties and blindfolds—and oh, it’s so delicious.
“There’s something about being at his mercy—not knowing what’s coming next—anticipation, baby!”
--Reader, “white female, divorced, in 40s.
Women do fantasize rape—but, as this reader makes clear, not the brutal crime of rape. The fantasy is the erotic extension of the fairy tale myths of our girlhood. Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella. Snow White. They do not choose; they are chosen. They do not act; they are acted upon. The Prince awakens them. In our big girl fantasies, he wants us so badly that he rips off our panties. (Read any romance novels lately?)
But he is the Prince, always the Prince, who satisfies us completely—not that icky troll living under the bridge.
According to a report on Slate on an article in The Journal of Sex Research, between one-third and more than one-half of women have experienced the rape fantasy with one in ten fantasizing sexual assault in a pleasurable way at least once a month.
Conventional wisdom of therapists holds that the rape fantasy gives women permission to enjoy sexuality. (”The girl can’t help it.”)
Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor at Queens University and famous for her studies of bonobos, suggests the fantasy may be rooted in the “split of female sexuality.”
“Men’s minds and genital were in agreement,” she says, referencing studies of men and women watching sexual videos. “But among women, genital blood flow differed sharply from self-reported arousal.”
Consistently in studies our vaginas report more arousal than our brains claim to be experiencing. Some experts have an evolutionary explanation for that: in eras when all sex was rough sex, women’s bodies vaginas lubricated in self-defense. Others posit that female desire is driven by ‘being desired”—and the powerful rape fantasy is the ultimate in being desired.
Whatever its roots, the rape fantasy creates conflict in some women. I think I’ll put together a quick survey on that subject alone. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy—and know that fantasizing romanticized rape does not mean you want to be attacked.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 1 Feb 2010 12:19:01 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
survey
taboo
how
HOW "DOWN-AND-DIRTY" DO YOU GO?--SexyPrime's Taboo Sex Survey Results
“Taboo? That’s a perfume, isn’t it? Or a men’s fragrance? Oh, you mean sex stuff that’s forbidden. Yeah, I’ve heard about some of those,” white married man in his forties. “Taboos? No. I have a set of personal rules I sometimes break,” a “hot Latino babe, 28.” SexyPrime readers aren’t pushing the sexual envelope. That envelope is open. Of the 312 respondents to the SexyPrime Taboo Sex Survey, a mere 25 made censorial comments as their answers to some questions. (“…anal sex is disgusting”, “people who use whips should be locked up”, “Isn’t group sex against the law? It should be.”) Most of you said, I like this, I don’t like (or have an inclination to try) that. Exactly. I don’t eat sushi, but I don’t judge you if you do. Once again, three-fourths of respondents were age 22-44—but two of my most articulate and adventurous regular survey-takers are men in their fifties, one white and one African American. Overall, the answers to the questions were so similar that breaking them down into sections laced liberally with quotes—my usual survey report style—didn’t seem like the most interesting way to cover the topic. A few observations and conclusions:
•33% said they have “personal rules” not taboos—with the number one rule being “No sex with bosses or co-workers,” a rule that is violated every day, of course. Other rules concerned protecting their partners from discovering an affair, using condoms and codes of conduct for BDSM or group sex play.• African American women reported more sex taboos, including anal sex, interracial sex, and swallowing.•Golden showers is a turn-off for most.•Women overwhelmingly said: no sex in another woman’s bed, no sex in the kid’s beds.
•Forty percent of white men said they had paid for sex at least once—typically on business trips. Twenty percent of black men, thirty percent of Asian-Americans and only 10% of Latinos had. Fifty to sixty percent of male respondents from Europe, India, Australia, the Virgin Islands and Africa have paid for sex. No women in the survey had—though one woman said, “If you are Sugar Mama to your man, you are paying for sex; you just don’t call it that.”•Only three white women admit to having sex with a relative. {“But reading about your experience with your distant cousin has convinced me to pay more attention to the cousins at the next wedding.” “Maybe my Catholic upbringing comes in a little here but I do love incest erotica even if I’ve never met a cousin (or other close relative) that seemed to turn me on. Maybe I just have not-all-that-attractive relatives—and maybe I’m a bit of a frog myself.”)• Twenty-five percent—mostly white women and black men— have had interracial sex. But another 60% said it wasn’t taboo. (“I haven’t had the opportunity yet, but ladies of color, I’m a young white man in Iowa who would be very receptive to your charms.”) Eighty percent of African American women said: Yes, it is a taboo.•Group sex? Threesomes? BDSM? A quickie in a public rest room? Not taboo, just a matter of personal preferences. Extramarital affair? Younger partner after divorce? Sexually liberating experiences—especially for women. Readers, is nothing dirty anymore?
Several readers wrote about anal sex experiences that turned messy. (The two included in the posts below are funnier than the famous Tucker Max story.) That honesty is appreciated. (If you have anal intercourse after a big meal, you may be sorry.) Anal sex looks so good in porn because the women had one or more enemas the night before, ate nothing before going on set, squirted anal syringes of lubricant up their anuses and wore a butt plug prior to the action. Once again I say: Men, you just don’t roll her over and “slip it in” the way the actors appear appear to do.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:34 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
hot
IT'S (ALMOST) ALL GOOD: A Reader's Very Hot Taboo Sex Report
She identifies herself as "a 37 year old married white girl." Her answers to the Taboo Sex Survey were so sexy, funny, surprising, audacious, provocative--and flat-out good reading--that I had to reprint the entire email letter, un-edited. Here it is:
"What sexual acts are taboo?
"Anal intercourse? Only taboo with a really large cock, which my husband has, sadly for him. We've done it before, but while it was good in the moment, it was uncomfortable enough in the ensuing days to become taboo in our house. Now, for lovers with more reasonable sized penises, it's negotiable. I had one lover with whom the first, last and only time we had anal sex, the sheets (and we) got rather nasty, so never again. He seemed fine with it, but I wasn't. Since I can't see what's going on, I think if it gets messy he ought to mention it, especially since we were in a hotel. I felt so bad for the cleaning lady.
"One lover also let me bleed all over hotel sheets. We'd been playing for an hour or so with me face down. I assumed I was just wet because he was skilled with his fingers, but then... no. It was my period. Blood everywhere. What an asshole. That was the end for him. I had to put up with him for the rest of that weekend but then that was it.
"And for me, it's the touching around the anal area that's arousing, not the penetration or thrusting itself. So it's not taboo for me, but I'm not really into it.
"Golden showers? Excrement has no part in sexual relations. Period. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? What happened to someone that they get turned on by someone excreting on them? What kind of childhood do these people have?
"Bondage? Fun! Definitely not taboo, at least as far as I feel safe in it. Just the idea is arousing for me. Sometimes my lover will tipsily wrap his belt or tie around my wrists and miss actually tying it, and even that is lovely. Sometimes I like the feeling that what's happening to me is beyond my control, that I'm totally not responsible for the naughty, nasty things that I'm allowing to be done to me - because I'm a good girl, and good girls don't do those things, much less enjoy them and encourage them, or ask for them. Or beg, if I'm forced to beg for it...
"Spanking? Delicious! Not at ALL taboo! Necessary. I don't get enough of it. My husband says he doesn't have it in him. He's watched me spank women that we've shared and he doesn't mind that, but has told me he'll leave all that up to me. So it's only those very, very rare moments with my lover, who adores my ass and all the things I let him do to it, that I get all the spanking that I want. He'll beat me beautifully, starting early in the evening with a quick smack here and there to remind me of what's to come later. There've been a few times when we've been drinking a little harder than normal when he's lit my ass up before we even get to the bedroom... ah, the memories! He's so good with it. He hurts me, but never over the edge into true violence and always under control. It's an art with him and I admire him so much for that. In fact, right now I miss him so much as my body is remembering everything he's done to me as I write...
"BDSM? Light only for me... I experience inner terror just seeing or reading about people who get into choking and suffocation and the like. For me, sex is a celebration of life, not a way to play with death. I can kind of see how fear can escalate the emotional ride, but I'm talking about, "Holy shit, did you see how close the cab came to hitting that guy?" not "Holy shit, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't br..."
"That being said, there are some images that I find arousing for sure, images of acts in which I would never engage, but that stir my loins to see. One time I saw a picture of a woman in the stocks. Her head, hands and legs from the knees down were in the front, leaving her back and ass naked and exposed with her thighs slightly parted in the back. I get aroused by the idea of being treated like an object, (in a safe environment with someone I feel safe with,) so that image was incredibly hot to me. However, I feel pretty certain that I wouldn't enjoy what was being done to her in real life.
"I also like porn with soft-core rape fantasies and huge round glass butt plugs. It's the power play that intrigues me rather than the pain, though. Although I so like a little pain. My lover bites me so hard sometimes that I think I'm going to cry, but right when I get to that edge he backs off. And that turns me on even more.
"Paying for sex? I've thought about it. I don't think it's taboo. I pay good money for my masseuse to rub all my sore spots, so paying someone to rub some of my other spots wouldn't be much of a stretch for me. I'd like to just lay there and have someone do everything that I want them to do to me with no judgment or hesitation or day-after issues. However, I've managed to find that in my lover, so no need to pay for it right now in my life. When I no longer have access to him, anything is possible. I think I'd be skeevy about penetration, though.
"Other?
"How often do you engage in any of these taboo behaviors? As often as I get access to my lover. Sometimes a couple of times a month. Right now, not in the last six months. He's going to be in trouble when I finally get my hands on him again.
Sex Partners
"Is interracial sex taboo? Hell no. I've had sex with black men, Asian men, Spanish men and probably others that I've forgotten by now. A fine man is a fine man, period. Fuck him.
"Adultery? no, as long as everyone keeps their traps shut. It can be a big risk, but not taboo.
"Boss or subordinate? yes. I've been very attracted to several men for whom I've worked, but I won't mess with them while they write my checks.
"Sex with your cousin? nah Brother’s wife? yes Best friend’s girlfriend? yes Son’s best friend? yes
"A threesome? No, not at all taboo. I think that's like third base for this new generation, isn't it? Like adultery, there's a risk involved because if two of the people in the threesome are a couple, there can be a lot of expectations to manage. Each person has their idea of what it's going to be, and each person has their ideas about the other two people both separately and together, so it can become a big mess the morning after without good prep. But not taboo. Not at all.
"One of my favorite threesome was at my lover's going-away party. We "went hunting" together for girls in the past, but this night there was one girl he wanted, and he wanted her with us together. She was half black, half Eskimo and a fitness model and she was gorgeous. He could get any girl he wanted, but this one had gotten into his head as out of his league, so he was crazy about getting her. We each stalked her covertly at the party, with a fellting caress here and a lingering touch there, until finally he told her that he wanted her. And that he and I were a package deal. She stared at us for a moment and said, "We'll see..." which to both of our experienced ears was, "Yes." Right then and there, in the middle of the party with a house full of people, he led her to his room and I closed the door behind us. She started calling us predators, but she stayed right where she was and enjoyed herself thoroughly. It was the hunt with my lover that was the most fun for me - our most successful "kill" yet, and the perfect present to send him on his way to New York.
"Group sex? Not taboo. Again, can be lots of expectations to manage, but if everyone's on the same page, it can be lots of fun. I'm not much into it anymore, but there was one summer with some neighbors where the four of us were constantly having sex together. We thought we were very circumspect, but years later, another neighbor told me that when they'd moved in, someone told them that we were swingers. I have to assume that we weren't as careful as we thought we'd been! Or, that someone could have been stone cold lying just to be an ass. Who knows.
"Sex with a much younger or older partner? Nope. Not taboo. I've had sex with men half my age and half again as old as I am and I'd do either one again. My little cub was so cute... When I wouldn't tell him my name or give him my number, he got this look of understanding and loss on his face all at the same time - "You mean this is only a one-time deal?" Poor baby! He was so sad! His seduction was clumsy but we had fun anyway. One time was enough.
"Have you violated your own partner taboos—and with whom? I think my only partner taboo is any of my friends' sons. My brothers aren't married and even if they were, they wouldn't be marrying anyone for whom it would be an option for me anyway, and I don't have sons of my own, so there's no issue there, either. So no. No broken taboos here.
Sex Places
"Is public sex taboo? I don't think it's taboo, but it doesn't excite me. Groping under the table at dinner is fun, though.
"Which places are most taboo? Anywhere there are children.
"Is doing it at your parents’ house taboo? No, but I haven't done that in almost twenty years. Not taboo, but not exciting, either.
"In a friend’s bed? Nah, go for it. But keep it clean or clean it up after. Don't be an ass.
"Your marriage bed with someone else? it's a bed, not a sacred alter.
"Your kid’s bed? Okay, that is just disgusting. That being said, I had sex on a friend's kid's bed when I was 18 or 19 and drunk off my ass. Apparently, it didn't matter to me then.
"Have you violated any of these taboos?
The Big Questions
"Is taboo sex hotter? not for me... what's hot for me is feeling safe with someone I trust to be myself and who I can ask for what I want without worrying about judgement or repercussions
"What taboo won’t you violate? Anything I've said here that's taboo is taboo for me, period. Anything else I will or have tried.
"Or relish—or regret having violated? When I was younger, I always said no anal sex because that's an out-hole, not an in-hole. I'm glad I relaxed on that one. Figuratively AND literally!
"Do you keep pushing the taboo envelope? As long as it's what I consider safe, it's not taboo. So no."
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:31 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
with
to
the
in
HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR EX: Sex In The Rear Entry Position
“Never in my life have I let a fling get to me like this one has,” the interesting man said, in reference to a recent romantic break-up with his roommate, who is still in the apartment. She was his roommate before she was his lover. (Lesson #1: Don’t bang the roomie, even if she takes her shirt off in the kitchen while you’re making dinner. Turn off the burners and leave the apartment. Quickly.) A recent Ask Auntie Sue question about sex with the ex prompted his own confession to me. “Having her live there is just weird and doesn’t make getting over her easier.”
The lady in question is not so special (as he is!) that “getting over her” would be that difficult—if they weren’t sharing the same apartment. He watches her walk out the door, dressed for a date, and wakes in the morning, wondering if she came home—or not. Ah, the wounding sexual drama of it all.
According to my emails in response to that Auntie Sue question, it is a drama that’s being played out all across recessionary America—at different levels of comedy and pathos. (*Hello, NBC, 10 o’clock dramadey concept here.) Some people can’t afford a divorce and have moved to separate bedrooms in suburbia, or bed/couch in cities. Others were urban roomies who crossed the boundary line and now wish they hadn’t—or roomies who moved in together as lovers—and now aren’t or wish they weren’t. What to do? First, remember that camping in your mom and step dad’s basement, homeless shelters, on your best friend’s lumpy couch or the city’s transport system is even less conducive to good sleep than the presence of your ex down the hall—and jumping into a new relationship because he has a big apartment is the worst idea of all. Then:
· If you break the “no sex” rule as inevitably you will—recognize that 1.) the sex changes nothing and 2.) adults do not have to pretend that it does.
· When you break the “no sex” rule—have intercourse in the rear entry position only. Less intimate. You can fantasize he is someone else more easily if you don’t have to look into his eyes while you come. Play with your clit. Enjoy the bang. (See The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women for variations on the classic position.)
· The un-breakable rule: Neither brings another lover home. Ever.
· Make that sexual tension work for you. Masturbate. Babes, buy a new vibrator. Boys, have you tried The Sleeve? All of you, go to Babeland and find toys to amuse you alone while locked in your own room on a winter's night.
· Don’t date anyone with a roommate.
· Recognize that your feelings of loss and occasional longings for re-attachment are inspired by the drama of the situation.
· Save your money so you can get out of there as soon as possible.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:27 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
and
sex:
white
men
look
who's
talking
about
it
now
WHITE MEN AND SEX: Look Who's Talking About It Now
Feminist writer Katie Roiphe in The New York Times Book Review—that’s who. She stands up for the sexual writings of the much-pilloried old lion generation of novelists—Philip Roth, John Updike, Norman Mailer—and puts down the puny erotic efforts of the next generation—Jonathan Franzen, Michael Chabon, Dave Eggers—who are, in fact, now middle-aged.
She writes: “The younger writers are so self-conscious, so steeped in a certain kind of liberal education, that their characters can’t condone even their own sexual impulses; they are, in short, too cool for sex…”
I got stoned in the public square—in the figurative sense, but only because my address wasn’t published—when I wrote in a New York Press essay that white men lose their sexual MoJo after forty while black men don’t.
Moral to the story: One can safely draw conclusions about white male sexuality within the confines of writing about the white male literary establishment. Leave black men out of it—and please bury the white penises in nice, big expensive words so we can’t tell if they do have erections or likely not.
Roiphe does make some good points. White men don’t write, or write convincingly, about sex anymore. (Okay, sure, some, like William Boyd, do, but I am going with the path of sweeping generalization that Roiphe takes. You travel faster this way. It’s fun, like skiing on friendly slopes or water sliding.)
Partly we can blame the curiously asexual Iowa School of Writers (and its clones), institutions that have given us too many novelists, male and female, who write technically proficient prose inside boring novels. Sex doesn’t belong in these books because sex, done well, is not boring. An avid reader, I can pick up the cadences of an Iowa grad in the first few pages—and they are not cadences that kick start the libido.
As Roiphe indirectly acknowledges, we can also look for the roots of that “passivity, a paralyzed sweetness, a deep ambivalence about sexual appetite” in the 70s’ rhetoric of anti-male, anti-sex feminism that helped shape our modern thinking about sexuality, specifically male sexuality—and gave us David Ducovny as sex addict in “Californication” and perhaps real life.
She failed to mention David Letterman, who fathered the culture of “irony” which made “snarking,” judgment without investigation, the lowbrow intellectual equivalent of Wikipedia. Throw in media sexual overkill--from ads to porn—and we have the soup in which white men seem to float flaccidly.
But I’m talking about white men—and she, the white male literary establishment.
Author Steve Almond both praises and tweaks Roiphe in his entertaining blog post, “Katie Roiphe’s Big Cock Block.”
He says,
‘I’m tired of reading novels and stories in which two or more central characters get naked and all we get is the morning-after orange juice. It strikes me as a huge missed opportunity, because people (and therefore characters) are never more themselves than when they’re exposed to the ecstasies and humiliations of what we in the biz call the nasté.”
Yes!—but he asks:
“Why the hell is she just talking about hetero white men?
“I hereby empower the Katie Roiphes of the world to stop writing about us as the dominant literary/cultural faction. Instead, you can lump us in with all those females and people of color and homosexuals and female homosexuals of color, who also write great books, many of them with great sex scenes. Such as, uh, Mary Gordon and Michael Lowenthal and Junot Diaz and Alicia Erian and Mary Gaitskill and…”
Finally, he posits that literary critics, not feminists, may have killed sex in literature:
“But I can also pretty much promise you that writing about sex as it actually exists – as a complex and dangerous emotional experience – will not help your literary career.”
I never claimed to have a literary career, but I did have a career as a journalist—until I used words like “cock” and “pussy” in print and, omigod, wrote about my own orgasms. Writing about sex in a personal way is not, and probably never has been, the short cut to professional validation.
Read Roiphe’s essay in NYTBR and Almond’s response, including his literate and sexy reading suggestions.
British journalist Andrea Busfield’s born under a million shadows (Holt paperback) is not my kind of book. The main viewpoint character is a child—and the press release describes born as “life-affirming” and “heart warming”. So is a good bowl of Irish oatmeal.
A few months back I opened the advance reader’s copy and decided to give it ten pages, tops. I read straight through to the end. Busfield’s story of an Afghan boy and his widowed mother and Georgie, the Englishwoman who falls in love with the Afghan warlord Haji, is an international best-seller—and deservedly so. Beautifully written, wise and funny, it did touch my heart, yet without making me feel like Oprah had just applied the emotional jaws of life to crack open my chest.Busfield spent three years in Afghanistan where she fell in love with a captain in the Austrian army and went home with him when his tour of duty ended. She captures the longing of desire between a man and a woman from two different cultures living in a sexually repressed society--Georgie and Haji who must be careful not to touch even hands in public. Smoldering. That is the word. Go buy this book.
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:23 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
sex
DOWN–AND-DIRTY SEX: SexyPrime’s Taboo Sex Survey
What’s the down-and-dirtiest sex you ever had—with whom and where?
I’m willing to bet you broke a taboo (yours or society’s) in the experience. Illicit sex is the down-and-dirtiest. Why else would sex advisors tell married couples to pretend to pick each other up in a bar?
I had an interesting discussion on this subject with a stranger on a plane. Sometimes I tell strangers I write about sex and sometimes I don’t. It doesn’t matter. They tell me about their sex lives.
The man, who looked forty-ish, said that he and his wife are enjoying better sex since he started traveling two weeks out of the month. “We really want each other when I get home.” His best friend, on the other hand, recently returned from a business trip early and found his wife in bed with another man.
“In our bed,” the friend said. “I will never get that image out of my mind. I could forgive an affair, but not in my own bed. He was lying on my side of the bed when I walked in the room.”
His soon-to-be ex-wife violated his ultimate sex taboo by cuckolding him in his own bed. I’m with him. I might sleep with my second cousin, twice removed, or have sex with another woman’s husband, but not in her bed.
What is the sex taboo you won’t violate—or relish having violated—or regret having violated?
I eagerly anticipate hearing from my readers in these surveys. What an open and honest, smart, sexy and witty group SexyPrime readers are. Have I told you lately that I love you?
THE TABOO SEX SURVEY
Please tell me your age, race, relationship status—and answer the questions! Juicy stories appreciated/anticipated.
Sex Acts
What sexual acts are taboo?
Anal intercourse? Golden showers? Bondage? Spanking? BDSM? Kissing a prostitute? Paying for sex? Other?
How often do you engage in any of these taboo behaviors?
Sex Partners
Is interracial sex taboo?
Adultery?
Boss or subordinate?
Sex with your cousin? Brother’s wife? Best friend’s girlfriend? Son’s best friend?
A threesome? Group sex?
Sex with a much younger or older partner?
Have you violated your own partner taboos—and with whom?
Sex Places
Is public sex taboo? Which places are most taboo?
Is doing it at your parents’ house taboo?
In a friend’s bed? Your marriage bed with someone else? Your kid’s bed?
Other?
Have you violated any of these taboos?
The Big Questions
Is taboo sex hotter?
What taboo won’t you violate?
Or relish—or regret having violated?
Do you keep pushing the taboo envelope?
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:20 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
and
to
the
"it's
kimmie
wednesday:
she's
in
mood
cuddle"
IT'S KIMMIE WEDNESDAY: And She's in the Mood to Cuddle
Have you ever heard of cuddle parties? They are safe sex parties for the genitally less adventurous. Kimmie has her own take on cuddling...and its hot.
Once again I am delighted to say, Here's Kimmie.
Snuggle-Bunnies, pt 1
“Come sleep in my bed,” he said. “I promise – just to cuddle. I hate sleeping alone.”
I wasn’t young or naïve. I knew that agreeing to that was agreeing to sex. He was fun and hot and tempting but it wasn’t a good idea. I was learning more about him each time we hung out together and I wasn’t sure he could separate love and sex. The last thing either of us needed was for him to fall in love with me. We were friends, just friends, and needed to stay that way. I laughed at him nicely, sweetly, and assured him that the guest room would be perfect for me.
I washed my face and brushed my teeth and changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. As I was heading from the bathroom to the bedroom, I heard him call down the hall to me again. “Come on! Just come on, will you? I swear, nothing naughty. Just come sleep with me and keep me company. I’ll be good, I promise.”
He was adorable. He sounded just like an impish little boy, which I knew all men were, when it came right down to it. He was a sweet little boy who just wanted a naked lady in his bed. I giggled to myself, then sighed and shook my head and gave in.
“Alright, I’ll come. But no hanky-panky! Just for companionship,” I called to him as I padded down the hall toward his room. He had a magnificent sleigh bed, the biggest I’d ever seen. His whole house was fantastic and very masculine. Shades of brown were warm and cozy all over the place, and his room was no different. He had luxurious piles of pillows and the thickest silkiest comforter on that huge bed, and he looked so adorable and cozy wrapped up tight in the middle of it.
“Mmmmm, come here and try the mattress,” he mumbled sleepily. “It’s the best mattress ever.” I sat down on it and sure enough, it was amazing. Soft but firm, just like I liked. I slid under the comforter and he threw and arm over me, then a leg.
“Stop,” I said. “Companionship.”
“I know,” he said. “This is very companionable. I like it. You’re very comfy to snuggle with.” And with that, we both fell asleep.
I woke up realizing that he was kissing me. The arm and leg that had been draped nicely over me were now wrapped tightly around me, and I was getting poked in various places by yet another body part as he kissed me. I tried to roll him off me, but he wasn’t having it. And he could kiss. I was such a slut for a good kisser. I mentally rolled my eyes at myself as I started to give in.
My head was still reminding me that this was no good. No good at all. We had the same friends, we’d be seeing each other most weekends when the group got together, and he was a one-girl type of guy. He was freshly out of a long-failing drawn-out relationship and I didn’t need to be his breath of fresh air. Well, being one breath was okay. But I couldn’t be his lifeline, his savior or his rebound girl. However, somehow knowing that wasn’t keeping me from letting him squeeze and lick me…
His hands were busy as he kissed me. He still hadn’t said a word. Suddenly, he just rolled off of me and went face-down in my sweatpants-covered crotch. “Stop!” I laughed at him. “Relax! Slow down, give me a second here.” He brought his face back up, but left his hand cupping my crotch, pressing down on me and moving his fingers inside. He kissed me briefly, then pulled my pants off in one swift yank. He went straight back between my legs, face down again, and licked hard. Involuntarily, I sucked in breath. I was always shocked and amazed at the first contact of skin on skin, that intimate moment of connection and acquiescence, when I knew that he knew that I was complying and joining him in naughty, nasty lust. There was nothing left to prove here, no fight left in me. I gave myself over to my body and let it do what it wanted...
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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| Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:59:16 |
SusanCrainBakos |
Tags:
THE COMPLETE MONDO EROS 2009 ARCHIVE
My guy pal and #1 research man Steve Otero hosts Mondo Eros, a weekly sex interview show. He has interviewed some fascinating people including Betty Dodson, Lawrence Lanoff, Rachel Kramer Bussell, me--and many, many more. Everyone who is anyone in Sex World talks to Steve. Check out the archive of 2009 shows.
The Complete Mondo Eros 2009 Archive http://www.sexyspirits.com/blog/podcasts/mono-eros-talkshows
Reprinted with permission from Susan Crain Bakos Blog Sexy Prime http://sexyprime.typepad.com/sexyprime/
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